Support or Solutions?- Helping Friends Through Tough Times
- Henry Perry
- Jun 9, 2023
- 4 min read
Written by Henry Perry, Violet Lockwood, and Noemie Durand
Many people don’t want to talk about their mental health for various reasons. However, if mental health issues are left unattended, they can lead to serious negative effects on their lives. So it is important to understand what your job is in that person’s life and what you can do to help if you suspect that someone is suffering from depression or other mental health issues.
Often, the root of people's mental health issues is that they feel they have no one to talk to. In this case, here are some things you can do to help people who might be going through something:
1. Make yourself available
Make sure they know that you are open to helping them when they are in distress. Just knowing that they have someone they can talk to can make people feel more comfortable.
A strong social support system has been proven to improve overall mental health outcomes and the ability to bounce back from stressful situations. (Supporting others - Mental Health America) The good news is that you can be a part of that support system for them!
The only thing to be wary of here is to not overextend yourself- if you feel like you’re supporting them too much, to the point where you don’t have the time or energy to support yourself and live your life, then try to help them build other support systems or show them those systems if they already exist. Helping friends should come from a place of kindness and willingness, not a feeling of burden.
2. If they choose to talk to you, just listen
Listening is one of the most important tools you have to help someone conquer their mental health. It gives them a way to vent and talk about their issues, and if you want to help it’s important to listen to what they have to say.
When people start to open up, typically they aren’t asking for you to try to fix it, they just want to be heard. So if you really want to help this person, just listen and try not to fix the issues they are telling you about.
What does listening look like?
Listening can look many different ways, but the most important thing is to actively listen and give your complete attention to the person reaching out to you. Most likely, just the fact that they’re telling you about this is a big step for them.
3. Sometimes, they DO want solutions
This is where the question “support or solutions” comes in. No matter what, the first step is listening. But once they’ve told you everything that’s going on, sometimes the best thing to do is ask them straight up- do you want support (I just listen and let you rant and figure it out yourself), or solutions (I help you try to brainstorm for how we could fix this issue of yours) right now? Once you’ve clarified what they want out of this encounter, you can help them in the way that they need most, and that will make them feel best heard and supported.
4. You need to feel good to do good
What this means is that you need to be in a good mental space yourself in order to help the people around you effectively. Always focus on your own mental health as well as others, because that is what you have the most control over.
Constantly helping others can also be a strain, so it's ok if you feel like you need to step back in helping somebody else for your own mental well-being. Helping someone who’s going through a bad situation can become unhealthy for you if, for example, they choose to constantly ignore your advice or if all of your conversations are negative and you never have positive interactions.
What can you do to ensure a person has support once you have stepped back?
Here are some resources you can provide to make sure a person will be okay even if you need to step back:
Phone numbers of a therapist or psychiatrist (which you can find in our therapy info packet)
Crisis hotlines (988, or you can find more options in our hotlines info packet)
Addresses of walk-in crisis centers
Contact information of people who can help emotionally support them such as friends or family members who are willing to offer support
How can you distance yourself from somebody in a bad mental situation without hurting that person?
A main way to step back without putting someone in need in more danger or alone is to follow the TACT system:
Timing - Consider the timing of your actions. Do they have other support around them, and if so, can they commit to reaching out to them? Confirm that they have the support they need in your absence.
Accountability - Take accountability. This can be challenging for people because sometimes we feel exhausted and resentful by this stage. But it’s critical not to blame the person who’s in crisis.
Check-in - Setting a date and time to check in next can be helpful reassurance so that your loved one knows you aren’t abandoning them.
Transparency - It’s crucial to communicate your expectations and boundaries for the time that you’re apart, especially because they’re changing.
What do you do if you feel like someone in your life needs help but they don't want to talk to you about it?
If you feel that someone you care about is clearly struggling but can't or won't reach out for help, and won't accept any help you offer, it's understandable to feel powerless and even upset. But it's important to accept that they are an individual and that there are always limits to what you can do to support another person.
Some things you can do to help them through this are:
Be patient
Show them how to seek help when they are ready
Offer emotional support
Buy them one of our boxes :)
Remind them how important they are to you and your life:
"When the impossibility of replacing a person is realized, it allows the responsibility which a man has for his existence and its continuance to appear in all its magnitude." (Man's Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl)
If you'd like to print out this info packet, the easiest way is to print this google doc! FYI: It doesn't have all the links and related info that are on the online versions:
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